The Real Pursuit

"But He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on Him, and by His wounds, we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5)

It is crazy to look back and see how much my life has changed since fully pursuing Jesus. Before my full pursuit, I remember feeling lonely all the time. My soul was longing for more than my mind could comprehend at the time, partially because I was always looking for the next thing to keep my mind and heart busy to fill the void of that loneliness that was deep down in my soul. My whole life has been about proving others wrong, showing others that I am more than what they think I am, and always pursuing the next thing in my life. For example, I went straight to college after high school and played softball for four years while earning my degree in theology, graduated with my theology degree and interned as a chaplain for 6 months while completing my degree, and realized I wanted to be a nurse instead, went straight to nursing school after graduation from MACU, got married in between the small month break I had between MACU's graduation and starting OU's nursing program. I then graduated with my BSN in 14 months, got my RN, started my career as a nurse in the emergency department, and I kid you not, was already preparing to go back to school to get my nurse practitioner, and that is when I hit a wall. I hit a wall and started spiraling. I have heard it said a lot that I have great drive, which I do, but I can't help but think that that drive was mostly fueled by the loneliness my soul ached with.

So, when I hit that wall and my fatigue finally caught up to me, I turned to drinking more than I should, I started thinking negatively about myself and did some things I was not proud of (which will be covered in another blog post). This wall messed me up, but it was through hitting this wall that Jesus came to me. Jesus came to me broken, hating myself, and in the midst of destruction. He showed me grace and love and held my head in his hands and spoke to me,

"Daughter, why are you pursuing things to fill the void your soul has, instead of pursuing me the only one that can fill that void? I have been by your side this whole time never far, but you kept running from me. My daughter you have not been pursuing me like you believed you were, knowledge of me is great, but it's the pursuit of me that makes you whole. I want to be your friend and give you all your soul longs for all I ask is that you are my friend in return."

That conversation with Jesus, brought me to tears because I have unknowingly been running for so long and searching for things to feel the void when it was beside me the whole time. That day up in my book nook I made the choice to finally pursue Jesus and be his friend. My friends, I have never felt more joy, peace, grace, love, and forgiveness than I do right now. I made that conscious decision 4 months ago and Jesus has kept true to the promise he made for me that day. He has provided what my soul longed for these past four months. He has been faithful and always will be. The loneliness in my soul is gone because I found a friend, a savior, a father, and a helper. I did not need to prove others wrong or to even prove myself because my worth was not found in what people think of me or how they see me, but in what Jesus thinks of me and how He sees me

. I am loved, I am beautiful, I am created in His image, I do not have to work for His time, I do not have to work for His love and affection because He gives it freely, I am forgiven, and I am extended His grace daily.

My friend if you are reading this I hope that you know that Jesus is beside you no matter how far you run from Him. He is wanting to fill that void in your soul that you have been carrying for so long and filling with things and people that end up leaving you empty inside. He is whispering to you in those moments of destruction, "daughter I am here, I love you, I have chosen you, I can help you, please my daughter just let me. I do not like seeing you hurt like you do and you do not have to carry that pain with me, because I took that pain on the cross. I traded my life for yours so that you could live my life, a life of peace, joy, and love." My friend the loneliness and void does not have to stay. We have a choice to choose the one who God treated as if he live our life, so that we may be treated as we lived Jesus' life, blameless and loved.

I challenge you today to check your soul. What feelings have you been stowing away? Where is your pursuit? I urge you my friends if your pursuit is not Jesus, to start. Your life will be changed in ways that will be hard, but are so worth it. I am praying for you all that Jesus may be your pursuit and you will get to live in the freedom and love that I now live.

Yours truly,

Caitlin